Without generalising or guessing every reader’s situation is the identical copy of my own breakup, I though I’d share with you my ultimate break up guide (post 2016)
Breaking up with my partner of four years was tough! I couldn’t honestly tell you if I’m over it yet, it’s likely I am both over it and still not quite… it’s complicated as I’m sure yours is too.
But help is here… because quite frankly I didn’t see anything remotely helpful in the form of one post like this although Aimee Song’s post did comfort me a little as she lives a similar lifestyle/ professional career to me.
But enough talking…
In the case of a breakup post 2016… here’s what you do…
Credit: Aimee Song
Get your best mates on speed-dial or call them over for a much needed hug, pep talk or girls/guys night (you may have to remind them to be kind and keep their slurs to themselves also – its still very early stages.
Cry! Let it out! If you need to cry at work, at an appointment/ something professional and/or important, ensure you carry tissues at all times and excuse yourself before a tear rolls out of your eye(s). If this is strictly impossible, suck it up till you can. The more you are able to feel this pain/ anguish the sooner you can recover.
Be Kind To Yourself
I never understood what this meant previously but I think I do now. Every thought, emotion, tear, action is yours and yours alone. Do not tear yourself apart because you are feeling this way. Try to remind yourself that it’s normal and that you need to feel this before you pull yourself together.
Feel like staying in bed and not facing the world? I know, we all do… and no one hates you for doing this, just don’t make a habit of it. Limit this to one day, maybe a Sunday but trust me, it is better if you pull yourself out of bed and out of the house… trust me.
Don’t go crazy on the takeaways or unhealthy food either… you will regret it later. As Aimee said and from personal experience, swap ice cream for frozen yoghurt.. just as good and not so damaging on your insides (and outsides)
Do Not Call Your Ex
I found this difficult too, trust me, but don’t. Time and space does heal all. Whatever happens will be fate but it’s too early to speak to your ex-partner
Don’t get hung up on calling them your ex or anything else for that matter, when you discuss them to others. If you can’t don’t say their name at all, you’ll live and feel better for it afterwards.
Dejunk Your Personal Space
Remove anything from your personal space which reminds you of this partner. Pictures, old clothes, items they left etc
You don’t have to get rid or burn it, just get it out of your everyday eyesight. This goes for content and assets on your phone too. Save it to your iCloud or man up and just delete it altogether.
Social Media Spring Clean
Whilst we are doing a spring clean (the actual season in which you are reading this post is irrelevant, we can’t forget about social media, can we?
You know you’re going to do it, as will your ex partner. Beat them to the punch (please, no punches and also, this is not a competition but rather a figure of speech from someone who has been there very recently!) remove them from every single social media account you have them on. Remove, Block whatever you feel is the necessary option but do it – you do not need to know what their up to, or better still assume.
This is unhealthy and is not helping you to recovery.
Need to actually listen to someone speak about breakups? Here are a few Ted Talks and other online findings I found useful and can share with you today.
Don’t kill yourself with being busy but do try and distract your mind RN
After 1 Month
It’s still very, very early days but you are one month in. The most important things to remember and do RN and for the next foreseeable months is to continue all the steps I shared with you above and believe in them when you are doing it. It does get easier.
Still going out on the lash?
Try knocking it on the head and instead opt for more enriching articles which don’t involve a pub or bar like taking in an exhibition or head over to Time Out to see what’s going on in your local area.
But you know, if you do go out… even to the shops, you must look good! Take sometime to clean up your appearance and look good at every. single. opportunity! You never know if you will see your ex, or anyone else for that matters.
Keep Your Loved Ones Close
Friends and family (if you are able to discuss this with them) are invaluable at this time. Use their kindness to make you feel whole and most importantly happy. After sometime, you’ll realise that you create your own happiness and that it’s somewhere inside you.
Still Do Not Call Them!
Still no calls to your ex – unless it’s urgent of course.
If they have old mail being sent over, you can text them for the redirection address but don’t expect more than this from them… who knows how they are feeling after one month?
Do you care? If your mind/ heart says ‘yes’, that’s normal, but try and snap out of this thought/ behavioural process. You should be the only thing on your mind right now.
Talking of positives, are you hitting the gym 3 times a week? If not, get your Nike’s on mate! Training/ working out is perfect for emotional management (if not the best fucking thing, ever…period)
Remember you are worth it! You are enough!
And lastly, learn to crack a smile. Walk with a smile and answer everything with a smile, eventually you will be smile on both the outside and inside too.
After 3 Months
It’s still tough and hurts like fucking hell! I know this, but the most important thing you can do right now is focus your energy onto yourself. What is going right RN? What can you do better in other areas of your life? Need to write a list? Do this, stick it up, laminate it if you have to but this list is thing you are going to complete or at least work towards for the next year. Don’t promise me this – make this promise to yourself because you are worth it.
Remember you are worth it! You are enough!
Now you’ve had sometime to calm down and not be so erratic, maybe you can take a moment to write a list about the pros and cons of this person. Don’t over analyse of overthink this… just take a notepad and gradually write down examples on each list when you find a moment.
Still get moments of flash rage, multiple questions flying around in your head that you want to ask this person? Try spinning them into a positive or better still, switch to a totally random/funny/ cute thought like…
I know a lot of people start downloading dating apps around this time. If this is what you want to do, do it, just don’t feel pressurised to do this by anyone, especially that inconvenient voice in your head. Jumping into something, whatever it is right now is a rebound of some sort. Just learn to be happy with yourself first and foremost, but I’m not going to lie, a no strings attached session can be good for your re-boost, but the worst thing is that it could be really bad for your mental state too. Don’t rush and concentrate on yourself, whatever you choose to do in this case.
If you want to distract yourself, fancy planning a trip with friends, family or even a solo vacay? Travel is important for the soul and could be perfect for you at this time, just make sure this is not an escape tool – you’ll still have the face the music when you get back.
After 6 Months
It’s been six months… and you are still alive! You are a winner! Well done, my G!
Still hitting the gym/ stepped up your exercise regime?
Here are a few mantras to help you on your way to a clear mind and fitness goals.
Do you still care? I’m not talking bitch mode, I mean have you turned the ‘what about them/ how do they feel’ scenarios around to ‘how do I feel’? If so, well done! If not, baby steps love, you will get there.
Have they made contact? If so, how do you feel about it – what are your immediate feelings/ reactions to this? These are the questions you need to ask yourself before you actually speak to them. Composure babes! Whatever happens, maintain your composure, someone out there may be looking for a reaction, don’t give it to them for free!
Remember than ‘Pros & Cons’ list I told you to compile three months ago… now might be a good time to take a look at it.
After 1 Year
(I’m not actually here yet, but I will be updating the post when I am and I’ve learnt hella more wise, wise words and phenomenons to share with you)
Remember, one day, someone will walk into your life and make you realise why it never worked out with anyone else. I saw this quote somewhere and it really resonates me and gives me hope.
Got healing tips you wish to share with the ‘heartbruk community’? Please leave them below and remember, be kind!